Want to progress in academia? I provide you with step-by-step guidance on using the Publish or Perish software, leaving you better prepared to climb the academic career ladder. This guide explains its user interface, metrics and eight data sources. It shows you how to conduct author, journal, topic, and affiliation searches, as well as how to use it for a wide variety of purposes. This includes tenure or promotion applications, conducting literature reviews and meta-analyses, deciding where to submit your paper, preparing for job interviews, writing laudations or obituaries, finding reviewers or keynote speakers, uncovering "citation connections" between scholars, doing bibliometric research and much much more.